Fathers Rights

One of the most stressful aspects of being a father without custody is the feeling that you are living you life looking over your shoulder.  Everything you do is criticized.  Everything you don't do gets attacked. This causes stress. So how can you get rid of the stress?

By embracing it.

I'll give you the example I give my clients:
Let's say you've got your son for the weekend.  You two are driving in the car. He turns to you and says, "Hey Dad. Let's go to McDonald's for lunch!"

Here are the bad scenarios.
Bad scenario #1: you take him to McDonald's for lunch. And oh! You are attacked! "That's not real food!" "You're going to make him fat and give him a heart attack!"   "You are a terrible father!"
Bad scenario #2: you don't take him to McDonald's for lunch.  Let the arrows fly! "You know how much he likes McDonald's!" "He was starving by the time you finally fed him!" "You are a terrible father!"

So how do you avoid the stress in this situation?

Look, if everything you do is going to bring the accusation "You're a terrible father" - then do what you want!  because it doen't matter.  It is impossible for you to make the right decision. Or to do the thing that makes her say: "Oh, yeah - THAT's okay."

So make the decisions that are right for you and your son. Every time.

Go HERE to order "Aggressive Pleadings For The Non-Custodial Father"
Go RIGHT_HERE to get a free mini-report: Introduction To "Aggressive Pleadings For The Non-Custodial Father"

So here's my question:
Should we have a term for "fathers who don't have custody"?
"Non-custodial father" is just too long and awkward
"divorced dad" doesn't apply to everyone
And what should we call this whole situation? "Split family" just doesn't sound right...
So leave me suggestions in the COMMENTS on this blog and we'll see if there is a consensus
Thank you
P.S. please don't say "Dad."  Yes, it's appropriate and it's correct - but I am looking for a specific subset of "dad"

Probably the last name you think of when you think of "Father's Rights" is Britney Spears.  I mean, she's a mother, not a father.  She's involved in a custody battle with the father of her children.  And she's Britney Spears, for God's sakes!  But her custody fight is in the news, like it or not.  No, it won't set any great legal precedent.  And no, it's not the kind of case that lawyers and judges are watching, to see new and novel interpretations of law or legal theory.  But if you are a father who is involved in a custody battle, then it's worth watching - and LEARNING.

First, a little history: Britney was initially given custody of their two children, mainly because no one could really find a reason why Kevin Federline should get custody.  At that time, he had a public and well-documented history of partying, of apparently intermittently supporting his other child, and of not appearing terribly interested in getting custody of his kids.  The Court awarded custody to Britney, and everyone settled down to long nights of Fed-ex jokes and curiosity about what would be revealed about the couple's finances.

And then something magical happened.  Okay, maybe not magical.  Tragical.  Something tragic happened.  Britney went off the deep end.  In public.  In violation of court orders.  She apparently got drunk in public.  She seems to have had a myriad of driving problems.  She got angry and tried to beat up cars for no apparent reason.  The Judge had laid out specific plans for each parent.  And Britney couldn't follow her plan.

Meanwhile, K-Fed was reforming himself.  He stopped partying (well, publicly).  He stopped giving ridiculous "concerts" and appearing on TV shows.  He settled down.  He visited his kids.  He acted like he really wanted to be a father.  He acted like a responsible parent.

And he was awarded custody.

What's the lesson to you, as a father seeking custody of his children?  Well, there are 2 lessons.  First, clean up your act!  If Britney had cleaned up her act, she would not have lost custody of her children.  And, by cleaning up his act, K-Fed suddenly looked to the Court like a better option than Ms. Spears.  And he also looked better than he did at the beginning of the case.  Courts like to see parents grow and mature during a case.

The second lesson is: point out your ex's flaws and problems!  Now, not to the kids.  She's their mom, and everyone involved in the custody decision-making process hates when either parent runs down the other parent to the children.  However, it is fair game to bring your ex's bad acts to the attention of the Judge, the custody evaluator, the Guardian Ad Litem, the Friend Of The Court, or anyone else who has a say in the custody decision.  Especially where those acts violate a court Order (showing that she vies the Order more like it's a "suggestion") or is a criminal act.  Now some crimes - like driving drunk with the kids in the car - are going to more relevant than others (not returning the overdue movie to Blockbuster) to the question of which parent should have custody.  So use your discretion and discernment.

High profile custody cases are worth following, mostly because you can see what NOT to do.  With Britney Spears' divorce, you can also see WHAT to do, to improve your chances of getting custody of your kids.  Britney Spears - the new father's rights poster child.  Who wouda thunk it?

Also, don't forget the following resources for FATHERS:
---I have created a group at Yahoo! called "Dads In Court."
---I have also written a manual: "Aggressive Pleadings For The Non-Custodial Father," which is on special sale.
---I want to write a library of 5 or 6 such books, focusing on how fathers can USE the legal system, instead of being ABUSED by it.  I am asking for your suggestions as to what the next book should be:
    -Aggressive Discovery For The Non-Custodial Father
    -Aggressive Parenting Time For The Non-Custodial Father
    -Aggressive Custody Litigation For The Non-Custodial Father
    -your suggestion

Also, feel free to use the COMMENTS section to suggest helpful links and websites, and law firms or lawyers you may have had a POSITIVE experience with (no NEGATIVE comments, please. We want to ADVANCE the cause, not just vent and bash people).

One of the most frequent questions that fathers have is when should they try to get custody of the kids back? Do they have to wait a certain period of time? Do they have to prove mom is "unfit" to get custody? When can they go to court for their children?  When is the right time to enforce a father's rights?

Each state has its own rules for when a modification of custody can be filed. Since this blog isn't legal advice, you need to ask a lawyer in your state for the rules on this one. If there IS a "waiting period," then mark it on your calendar! Don't guess. Don't try to remember it. Mark it down and use it as a goal.

Many states permit a modification if circumstances have changed. Each state has a statute or statutes that list the factors that you must prove, in order to think about changing custody. One important point to remember is that there is usually a presumption that the custodial parent will keep custody. A pleading to modify custody is NOT a "do over" of the initial (or last) custody. You need to consider THIS when trying to settle your divorce.

Generally, at the hearing, the Judge is going to want to see 2 things: why the kids need to come OUT of the other parents house, and why your house is okay for the kids to go into to.  That's pretty much it.  No matter what your state's statutes say, or what all the caselaw that your lawyer digs up, most custody modifications reduce to this simple 2 step formula.

Let's look at these individually. Step 1: why the kids need to come OUT of the other parent's house. This doesn't mean you have to prove her unfit, or make false allegations against her.   But you must show that something in her household has changed, and now your kids need to come out.  It could be her new boyfriend.  It could be that her drinking has increased.  It could be that she has moved frequently, or changed jobs frequently, or changed boyfriends frequently.  But your focus for this step is what is going on in her home, and why it's bad or harmful to the children.  Oh - you don't need to wait for the kids to be harmed.

Step 2 is that your house is okay for the kids to come into.  That means that you may need to clean your act up.  Let's say that you prove that mom's drinking has increased, and the kids are threatened by it.  But she shows that your pot smoking has never stopped.  The Judge could easily decide to take the kids out of her house, but not put them with you.  Now where are they?  Or say you prove that her boyfriend has a violent temper, and the Judge decides to remove your kids from her.  But the evidence shows that you have moved 6 times in 7 months, and have had 4 girlfriends during that time.  The Judge may feel that you are too unstable to have the kids. So carefully examine your situation, and make any changes that your lawyer (or the custody evaluator) recommends.

So when should you change custody?  When you can successfully show both steps.  This means that you have to keep an eye on her household.  Don't stalk her.  But talk to her friends.  Listen to your kids.  VISIT your kids.  Communicate with her.  Hire a private investigator, if necessary.  But be aware of the household and of the atmosphere in which your children are being raised.  And don't hesitate if you think that atmosphere has changed for the worse.

Again, your case must be presented according to your state's custody modification statutes.  And it must follow your state's rules of civil procedure.  But by keeping the above 2 steps in mind as you and your lawyer are preparing the case, it should make the presentation clear to the Judge that custody should be modified and changed to you.

Also, don't forget the following resources for FATHERS:
---I have created a group at Yahoo! called "Dads In Court."
---I have also written a manual: "Aggressive Pleadings For The Non-Custodial Father," which is on special sale.
---I want to write a library of 5 or 6 such books, focusing on how fathers can USE the legal system, instead of being ABUSED by it.  I am asking for your suggestions as to what the next book should be:
    -Aggressive Discovery For The Non-Custodial Father
    -Aggressive Parenting Time For The Non-Custodial Father
    -Aggressive Custody Litigation For The Non-Custodial Father
    -your suggestion

Also, feel free to use the COMMENTS section to suggest helpful links and websites, and law firms or lawyers you may have had a POSITIVE experience with (no NEGATIVE comments, please. We want to ADVANCE the cause, not just vent and bash people).

Hello, and welcome to the Father's Rights blog.  This is written by an attorney, actively representing fathers in divorce, paternity, adoption, abuse/neglect, and termination of parental rights cases.  I have been involved in this struggle for almost 15 years, in several states, so I have a "trench-level" view of the problem.

And what a problem! From moms who testify "I know what the custody order is, but I'm the mother and I decide when the kids see their father" to other attorneys, who say "Dad came home from work, spent all his time on the computer, and now he wants custody?" fathers often times face an uphill battle.

I hope that this blog give men - fathers - practical tips to use in their struggles to keep their relationships with their kids.  This blog is NOT theory.  This blog is NOT "fighting for new laws."  This blog is focused on SHARING strategies that men have used to win in court.  This blog is focused on HELPING fathers with tips on enforcing parenting time, saving on child support, protecting children from new husbands and new boyfriends.  This blog will come from MY experience, and the experiences of my clients - but it will GROW with YOUR feedback and comments.

I have created a group at Yahoo! called "Dads In Court."  Some people respond better to the blog format, some to the group format.  Eventually, I hope to develop a list and send out a regular newsletter, giving practical tips and answering questions (non-legal).

I have also written a manual: "Aggressive Pleadings For The Non-Custodial Father," which is on special sale.

I want to write a library of 5 or 6 such books, focusing on how fathers can USE the legal system, instead of being ABUSED by it.  I am asking for your suggestions as to what the next book should be:

      -Aggressive Discovery For The Non-Custodial Father
      -Aggressive Parenting Time For The Non-Custodial Father
      -Aggressive Custody Litigation For The Non-Custodial Father

Please let me know, via COMMENTS at this blog, which you would like to see.  Also, feel free to use the COMMENTS section to suggest helpful links and websites, and law firms or lawyers you may have had a POSITIVE experience with (no NEGATIVE comments, please. We want to ADVANCE the cause).

Thank you, and I hope that this blog, and the related resources, can help fathers help each other.

Please check out the resources:
Dads In Court and
Aggressive Pleadings For The Non-Custodial Father